5 Things That Remind Me of Nicki Minaj's Ass.

The second I saw Nicki Minaj's album cover for Anaconda, I was mystified. I couldn't stop staring at it. I had a feeling that I've seen her ass before, it just looked too familiar.

It wasn't until last night where I decided to figure out where I have seen that ass before.

My Wallet

Upon further inspection of my wallet I realized her ass is the Mastercard logo! I knew I have seen it before. I also realize why looking at her ass made me feel like I owe someone money.

My Social Studies Textbook

Nothing blew my mind like when I first learnt what a Venn diagram was. Now that I realize kids can use Nicki Minaj's ass as a Venn diagram, I'm jealous.

My Childhood

Mickey mouses ears were always the most iconic two circles. That was until Anaconda dropped. Step aside mouse, we got Nicki now!

Cheesy Wedding Photos

This is  gonna suck for a lot of people's cheesy wedding photos. Congratulations, your cherished memories will now remind you of Nicki Minaj's ass.

These Drunk Old Bald Guys

I don't know who these guys are, I don't know where they are from but their bald heads combine to recreate the magic that is Nicki Minaj's ass!

Why being a balding man in Egypt is so much more difficult than being veiled, unveiled, blonde or even a redhead (especially a redhead)

Very recently I read on Scoop Empire about how hard it is to be veiled in Egypt and then I read about how it’s even harder to be unveiled and blonde. Countless of women came out to air their support and their opinions on this matter, but missing from all the chatter was an opinion I was looking for; that of a balding, slightly overweight male in Egypt.

So I thought to myself, enough is enough, it’s time to show people what it’s really like to be balding in Egypt and I’ll one up Sherry El-Kilany and Nada Kabil. Oh I’ll show you that being balding in Egypt is so much harder-er!

BEING JUDGED

If unveiled and veiled girls think they’re being judged, then try being balding. Every conversation is about how there is this new treatment they heard about that can solve your problem, or about how you might as well shave your head…or the worst the question of all “do you miss your hair?”

THE FAMILY

The loss of your hair becomes the number one topic of conversation at every family gathering; the insults, the questions and, the most humiliating, the stares. You know your aunt loves you but the look in her eyes tells you she loved you so much more with hair. You should feel safe around family, but it’s around family where you feel the most judged.

OOGLED ON THE BEACH

On the beach, a lot of my hair-challenged brothers can be found. Unfortunately on the beach is where, if you are balding, you better grow muscles and look like Bruce Willis, otherwise just wear a hat. The long walk from the car to your seat along the beach is like the most embarrassing runway. The comments, the whispers and the never-ending sea of laughter, much like the sea on the horizon…it never ends.

GETTING MARRIED

Finding a woman who can accept you for who you are and what is becoming of your hairline can be hard. I was lucky, but everyday I overhear girl after girl comment on how “no hair, all care.” I wish people could see past a physical issue, but deep down we all know women wanna run their hands through luscious flows not a patchy mess of scalp and stray hairs.

DEALING WITH GOVERNMENT ISSUES

It’s alright. The ID photographer can sometimes make fun of you, but ya you women got me beat here, but only here.

IN CONCLUSION

Don’t get me wrong, your life isn’t all bad without hair. Your morning ritual is much faster, you look great in a baseball hat and hair cuts are a lot quicker. In fact, yesterday my hair cut took 13 mins. I just feel that we are silent victims and it was time that someone took a stand and stood up for us. So to my fellow hair-losers, stand tall, be proud and most importantly, buy a snapback cap. They work like magic.

Hey Revolutionist DO SOMETHING!

I may be Naive, I may be simple minded, I definitely am super sick and have a fever, so I felt what better time to lay down my thoughts than when they might be most uncensored and raw.

Since January 25-Feb 11th I truly find that there are 3 types of people

1)People who gained fame and what to prolong the glory of being a Revolutionist. I don't mean this as a shot at anyone in particular, but I think we all can think of one or two "revolutionist" who frankly love and need the fame they got. My big beef with these people isn't so much that they want fame, I mean to a certain degree everyone wants their name known. My problem is that they aren't really doing anything to further develop Egypt and be a voice. They are just going to protest and leaving. This past week there was a conference to "save the revolution" here's an idea, HIT THE STREETS! Educate the people, 500 well off, upper class "revolutionist" sitting in a room discussing what can be done, while people are burning churches and pretty much hijacking the revolution is beyond counter-productive.
During the vote of "yes" and "No" the "No" voters held a Korba awareness festival, debates in AUC and Sakia el Sawy and pretty much just further convinced people who were already convinced they will vote No. Simultaneously, "Yes" Voters went to the rural areas and pretty much lied about any and everything to ensure yes won. In good news Cairo voted No, unfortunately EVERY OTHER PLACE VOTED YES!

If Revolutionist want to change Egypt and really be there, Get out there, educate and stop using twitter to "further the cause", Abdou Tawab (My doorman's name) isn't checking Ghonim on Twitter, he's just listening to what the Emam says.

2)The Mubarak Sympathizers these are the people that were leaving a pretty damn good life while Mubarak was in power, now life is a bit harder, and they feel bringing him back would solve everything. I think everyone should be smart enough to know how stupid and simplistic these people are. With the average minimum pay being so low and conditions of EVERYTHING IN THE COUNTRY being borderline shit-astic, I find it hard to believe that Egypt was on the up and up. Right now Egypt's at a cross road, it will either prosper or religious, gender and political tension will escalate and we will sink into a hole. These people are the ones who even if Egypt sinks, they have a life boat made of money and can just pack up and leave.

3)The "Duct Taped in the back of the car" these are the people who's voices should be heard but due to people of number 1 and 2, they aren't. Their logic is pretty sound, they have no fame, they have nothing else to gain then hoping that the country will prosper and that's why I feel more people like this need to step forward. I watched an interview with 3arabawy and couldn't help but feel "why don't we hear from him more." I agree he definitely has been a strong voice and some might feel he is more or less in the #1 category, but here's why he isn't. He actually is shedding light on issues, it's not just a "I don't want this person in power" type bullshit, more he explains why the workers need better condition. He stands side by side, he does what I feel the people of #1 category should be doing. Although I guess some people in the #1 category are too busy writing a book about the revolution (here's a hint....revolution isn't over, in fact we are still kinda fucked, stop writing.

I didn't write this blog post to shit on anyone, I more wrote it shed light on the fact that right now I feel everyone is tires spinning their wheels in mud, they are making a huge splash but going nowhere.
I hope the tire meets the road soon, because frankly if you think a conference is going to make a difference, we're more fucked than I thought.

(This rant has be brought to you by my fever of 39 Degrees...awww yeah)

Rams

Cairo Lovers Club: Nicknames

This is another piece from the in the air project "Cairo Lovers Club" This one is entitled "List of things Girls call me". It's a joke about a guy listing his names girls give him and why. It's kinda stupid but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. It's just about how unaware some guys (ME!) can be and not TAKE A HINT! that just maybe SHE'S NOT INTO YOU! I hope this makes you chuckle...I repeat it is silly.

List of things Girls call me...

Friend (obviously we were just friends…completely mutual)

Best Friend (We totally would have gone out, but the friendship was too strong…also mutual)

Girl’s Best Friend (it was a play on man’s best friend being a dog…I assume it is due to my looking like Scooby Doo.)

Lil’ Buddy (never liked this one really, but I was pretty short)

Bro (not sure how this one came about…but it stuck…I guess)

Guy (See: Bro)

Brotha from anotha Motha! (Again girl I liked but hey we were just too similar)

Sista! (this is after she realized she rather shorten it..it was for the best)

Shopping Buddy (well I guess due to my work musclesI was good to hold her bags. *see Girl’s
Best Friend)

My Gay Friend (Her boyfriend was totally jealous so they called me this just to you know, make
him feel more secure when we were alone)

Robin to her Batman (Well obviously my name starts with an R…so luck of the draw)

Guy outside my window (The New neighbour moved in and I was just trying to see what her
house was like…nothing weird at all. Also I got new binoculars for Eid, so I wanted to test them
out. They worked well…but when her dad punched me and I didn’t notice it really hurt)

Guy who won’t take a hint (Oh silly girls, making everything a riddle)

Blocked Number (We would play phone tag a lot, so I guess she thought this would be the
ultimate win)

Dude, who won’t leave me alone (This one just hurt…but ya I guess it was mutual.)

Cairo Lovers Club

I was tinkering with the idea of getting a group of people from Cairo to write essays and stories about past failed romances in the capital. I still wanna do it but am looking for people interested so if you are sign off below!
This was a small excerpt I wrote for the book that would be a filler between essays/stories. It's about the ridiculousness of MSN in conversations in Egypt, and how when I asked a girl if she wanted to catch a movie she said "I had to meet her parents first" which was insane to me.
Enjoy.

Cairo MSN Chat:
The death of Romance

Sam: Hey Sou

CrazySou: Sammmmmmmmmy,, Wahasny AWI! Hru

Sam: I’m good el7, how are you doing?

CrazySou: im sooooo gr8 el7 :-D wut r u ^ 2?

Sam: Well I just got in from Sa7el which was nice, spent some time with friends. This
summer has been great. I found myself really missing you and our talks.

CrazySou: LOOOOOOOOOL I MIISSS YOU 2!!! Begad! n I wnted to C U!

Sam: Ya, I spent a while wondering what we can do. Remember how you told me you wanted to go to that Swedish Film Festival that is at the embassy. I thought it would be a great time if we go to this little place I know, they serve Italian food, which I don’t know if you like, do you like Italian?

CrazySou: Akeeeeed yabny! Italian food is da BEST! Wut a stupid ? :-P

Sam: Ya I guess, just didn’t want to make you eat something you hated.

CrazySou: If I h8d it I wuld ave told u silly!

Sam: Ugh…ya. Look I have to go grab something brb.

CrazySou: Tyt

Sam: What?

CrazySou: Take your Time

Sam: Oh…I’m just grabbing some tea, but Thanks.

CrazySou: iwn

Sam: Sorry what?

CrazySou: It Was Nothing

Sam: Oh…ok, ya so grabbing the tea

CrazySou: tyt

Sam: I’m back

Crazy Sou: wb

Sam: What?

CrazySou: Welcome Back, hwz da T?

Sam: Oh thanks, the tea is good. Look so would you like to go the movie with me.

CrazySou: R U Stupid?! I luv U, Akeed I wanna Go w/U. Bos Bokra Im bussssssssssy faskh,,,,but h bout Tuesday.

Sam: Ya, but this is really the first date, Surely you can’t love me.

CrazySou: Yany, I luv you like I luv reading and writing.

Sam: So not that much.

CrazySou: wut?

Sam: Oh it’s just you shorten everything, it was a joke.

CrazySou: La2 Keda Kateeeer Awi. I dun like dis. I dun like dis @ all. U R NOT DA MAN I MET! La2 Shokran. U R CRAZY! :-S

Sam: Sorry It was just a joke.

CrazySou: Do I look Stupid? Lew kan Joke, U wuld rite LOL or JK or haha or :-P. Im
sorry, This is not gonna work. BY >:-E

Sam: Look Sou…@-{--- I’m sorry, here’s a rose.

CrazySou: SAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY! I LOVE IT! Yalla CUTues.

End OF Conversation

Hope you liked it. I got one or two more excerpt laying around I might toss up

Hall Of Shame (cliche I know)

Yesterday the news reported the death of Pat Burns. This time unfortunately they were right. I grew up a Leafs fan and unfortunately I remember particularly the 92 season on. Pat Burns was their coach he would always be yelling at players, refs and on a few occasions going over to fight the other team's coach. This past year it became clear that Pat Burns would be leaving us to, it also was clear that this 3-time Jack Adams award winner and Stanley Cup winner would be in the Hall of Fame but for one reason or another, they decided to exclude him off this years list. This is a true shame, it is abundantly clear he will be in it one day, and the fact he could have been alive to see it and the NHL chose not to let that happen is a damn shame.
When he finally does get admitted to the Hall Of Fame, and he will. I can't help but think this moment will forever be tainted, they could have done right by him, and chose not to.

RIP Pat Burns, your fire and passion as a coach is yet to be matched.

Making Dreams Come True part 2

Again this year I auditioned for the Amman Comedy Festival and although I was close (so I was told) I didn't make the finals...Darn.

It's quite alright the first two goals I ever had when I started comedy was to perform in NYC and perform in front of my friends in Canada, I accomplished both this summer so for me, my comedy bucket list is complete everything now is just icing on this beautiful cake.

At the show in NYC I got to see the Very Funny Mohamed Mohamed. He was super nice and super funny all around a great guy. Mohamed(x2) got into the FINALS! So I will gladly lend out my support and hope you do to, SO PLEASE! Take 5 seconds to just cast your vote HERE you will be sent a confirmation email. Put it this way it will take you like a minute but it really could make all the difference in a guys life and frankly everyone needs a hand every once and a while.

Mohamed Mohamed to Amman, to quote Diddy LET'S GO!