Monday, June 18, 2007

I Never Been To Denver, But I Still Rock the Nuggets

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to a First for BopCulture, The first Guest Spot. I am pleased to say, this is a particularly harsh album to review, but the execution by my man Heavy D, will bring a tear to your eye. I am lovin it, much like a big mac, if you got an idea tell me, and i would love to have more of this. Please if you can tell me what you think of this review, as much criticism is strongly wanted.

So this is the first guest spot on Bopculture and hopefully it at least reaches the bar Rami has set with his reviews. Now being as some of my comments will be upsetting to some of the artists I have chosen to use an alias, for now it will be Heavy D. I have been given the unfortunate task of reviewing some of the worst albums that are being released. Today’s review is one of the most unnecessary records in the history of music. It is of course Kevin Federline.

Now Kevin Federline, or sorry K-Fed had possibly one of the worst albums of the year, and it would be easy for me to just bash him for a whole review. But that of course would be too easy. Now I have listened to this album a total of five times, which I can pretty much assume is a Guinness record. Before I get to the meat of this review I would like to emphasize this album is not terrible but it is bad, in fact before I listened to it I looked up other words for terrible in a thesaurus in giddy anticipation but unfortunately, I won’t get to use any of them. So as an intro let’s break down his album, a couple of sentences for each song.
1. Intro: the album begins with Kevin’s grandchildren asking him to tell them a story. Well it’s optimistic, at least he is making the assumption he will care about his kids for that long.
2. World Is Mine: This song compares himself to a pirate, and explains how he owns the entire world. The problem is instead of the metaphor reminding you of cool killing, treasure hiding pirates, you think of the scurvy filled pirates that contracted tertiary syphilis.
3. America’s Most Hated: Well not a bad beat (that will be the only compliment for any song, it has a good beat), and in potentially one of the most politically incorrect similes he hits like a tsunami!!
4. Snap: This song contains his first reference to himself as the pancake man. If anyone can correctly tell me the number of times he does this in the album they’ll win a prize. Like “the pancake man” this song contains some terribly white trash metaphors. For example, “I’m hot like a pizza oven.”
5. Lose Control: His single, and easily so. It is the most bearable song, and if performed by anyone else it could have been popular. The beat is the best on the album, and it is clearly evident this is what they spent the most time on. Potentially the greatest metaphor ever, “he’s never been to Denver but he still rocks the nuggets.”
6. Dance with a Pimp: Terrible, atrocious, horrendous appalling, unbearable, single handedly the worst piece of music ever written. Hey what do you know I did get to use the words I looked up after all. I’ve had shits that have been more melodic then this.
7. Privilege: Now keep in mind so far the album has been talking about how he goes to the clubs every night, so it makes sense that this song would be about his favourite type of liquor. What better way to promote that great father image, if Britney wanted complete custody of their kids she could just play this album in court.
8. Crazy: Rather then tell her husband that maybe this wasn’t the best career choice in his life; she decides to sing the hook on one of his songs. It’s annoying like the rest of the record. O yah and in potentially the worst decision of his life he mentions Tupac on this record and even compares himself to the incredibly talented rapper. If anyone besides me had actually listened to this record he would be dead.
9. League of My Own: You know what I’m done. None of you actually care what the songs are about. Let’s make this extremely fair assumption; the rest of the songs are bad, some of them have good beats, but their bad. Surprisingly though he uses a five syllable word in this song, if you want to know what it is listen to the song, consider it a scavenger hunt.

This album should not have been made. Like I said earlier at least one of his friends, or maybe I don’t know his wife, should have stepped forward and let him see the fall he was setting himself up for. But on the other hand this album is no worse then most mainstream rap today. It’s unfortunate that he was a freeloader and happened to be married to Britney Spears. Let’s face it if your white and you want to be successful in rap you either have to start out playing your own instruments or say something extremely offending (if you don’t get those two references you don’t know rap music).

To make my point that it is no worse then mainstream rap let’s compare him to a popular “rapper;” 50-cent. Now I know by doing this I will successfully piss off some “rap” fans, but let’s face it if you actually consider yourself a hip-hop fan you don’t actually like 50 cent. 50 is only popular among girls who “think it has a good beat”, or white suburban teenagers, like (oddly enough) Mr. Federline. Let’s first and foremost compare song subjects. They both only sing about, yes you guessed it, how awesome they are, how much money they have, and how chicks love them. You could almost make a stretch (a large stretch) and say it was smart on Mr. Spear’s part, he wrote about what was already popular in mainstream rap, at least attempting to ensure some record sales. The problem is a married man singing about picking of tons of chicks is disconcerting, and when he talks about all the money he has you can’t forget how he earned it. The argument can easily be made that Fitty is a marginally better lyricist, not by much he does rhyme nympho with nympho remember, but the music on K-Fed’s record is marginally better. He actually uses samples from other cultures (As shown in his knowledge of the Brazilian word for ass). That is the one compliment I have given to Kevin Federline’s record, the music is half decent.

That is of course the only compliment I can give the album unfortunately but let’s face it he slept with Britney Spears, and before him we all wanted to (even you female viewers). I can only pray there is some other parallel universe where it has been determined that being white and not shaving is tough, and 50 is being ridiculed and laughed at for freeloading off Tyra Banks. O if only.
My rating:

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